he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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