Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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