i was born a porn star she said
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
