his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize