i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
