I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
