I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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