Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
