It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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