I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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