I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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