Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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