Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
