I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize