he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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