He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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