# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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