She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
