fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
