He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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