Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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