He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
