As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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