I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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