Christians are straight up FREAKS
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
