So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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