Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
