Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm at about main and main street
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
