I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
