I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
