24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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