at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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