my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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