I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
