I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
