I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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