I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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