I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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