There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
