Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
