I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
