I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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