Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
