i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
