I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
