I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
