probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
