he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
