I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize