I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
