You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
