just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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