I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
