I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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