I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize