cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
