There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
