I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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