the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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