Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize