Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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