I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
