Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
