Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
