All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
