Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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