This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
