weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
