too bad you live with your parents still
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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