Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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