She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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